thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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