dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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