I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
