my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
