I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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