Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
