you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
