theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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