She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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