did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
