I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
