Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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