i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
