A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
