I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
