I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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