Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
