cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I did not marry a roomba.
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