Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
