normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
