On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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