me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
