I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Bring me that man meat
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
