They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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