I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
