I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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