I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
