I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
