someone get that fucking seahorse.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
