Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
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