bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
