Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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