There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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