So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
