I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
