i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
