I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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