Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I wish you could order shots online.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
