Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
