I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
