I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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