just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
