I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
