i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
After last night, I could never be a politician.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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