Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
