Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
