i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
