Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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