Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
