I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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