I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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