Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
