I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
